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Saturday, March 5th, 2005

Posted by:nikapresha.
Time:1:25 pm.
Marge: Grampa, I'm not afraid!
Grampa: Then you're not paying close enough attention!
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, November 6th, 2004

Subject:Re...cy...cling?
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:3:11 am.
Mr. Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship: These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phoney baloney church...or synagogue.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, October 16th, 2004

Subject:chunkylover53@aol.com
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:1:55 am.
PI Dexter Colt: "You'll regret the day you crossed Dexter Colt!"
Homer: "You'll regret the day you went to the expensive coffee place!"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

Subject:HALLOWEEN!
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:7:29 am.
"Guess I forgot to put the foglights in!"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, September 20th, 2004

Posted by:charlotte001.
Time:3:52 pm.
Mood: giggly.
There there, shut up boy.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, September 11th, 2004

Subject:I'm not like other men. That's why you buy my pants at the special store!
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:9:57 am.
While building a brick BBQ this summer, I was haunted by these words:


"Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, June 28th, 2004

Subject:Hello
Posted by:charlotte001.
Time:3:00 pm.
Mood: giggly.
Not-so-new but haven't got around to posting yet. I'd rather read everybody elses posts and cry from laughter.

Anyway this morning I was watching that episode where they give Bart "Focusyn" for his attention deficit disorder. I almost fainted from a lack of oxygen.

Morning after Bart first took a Focusyn pilli

Marge: Hows my special little guy?

Bart: I'm feeling some side effects from the dope.

Marge: It's not dope! It's to help you concentrate!

Bart: Well I dunno but my testicles won't fit in my underwear!
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, April 25th, 2004

Subject:Sparkle Sparkle
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:11:33 am.
Tenille: Did you hear that? The whales are hungry. Homer? Join us.
Homer: Thank you.
Tenille: Tell me, young man, what do you want out of life?
Homer: I want peas!
Tenille: We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach.
Homer: *moans* Uh huh?
Tenille: So, what's the best way to get peace?
Homer: With the knife!
Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet! Ha, ha, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, April 19th, 2004

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:5:30 pm.
Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate when people do that!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, April 11th, 2004

Subject:Can I see your copy of Swank, Armin?
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:4:33 pm.
And I'm not Seymour. My name is Armin. This is Armin's apartment, Armin's liquor, Armin's copy of Swank, Armin's frozen peas.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:Just remember what I told you.
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:1:28 am.
There's nothing funny about...vapor lock.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, April 10th, 2004

Subject:HUG ME!!!!
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:2:06 pm.
From now on I'm going to be nicer to my son and meaner to my dad!
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, April 5th, 2004

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:10:20 pm.
You can run, but you can't glide!

U-S-A! U-S-A!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

Subject:Shake harder boy!
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:12:26 am.
This better be an April fools joke!
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, March 21st, 2004

Subject:Larry Flint is right!
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:12:33 pm.
I've had this running through my head for days:
I am smart...Much smarter than you...Hibert!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

Subject:This is where I come to cry.
Posted by:coldmountain.
Time:8:07 pm.
-My name's Thelonius.
-As in Monk?
-Yes, the esoteric appeal is worth the beatings.


always a favorite...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:call 1-900-555-Corey
Posted by:orangebang.
Time:6:19 pm.
Mood: bouncy.
Hi, you've reached the Corey hot-line. $4.95 a minute. Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Gory. Story. Allegory. Montessori.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, March 15th, 2004

Subject:Geese can be troublesome.
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:10:11 pm.
Maybe there's some girls in here...
Great heavens! It's one of those nude female fire-stations.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:4:09 pm.
"It's just brown and water!"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, March 13th, 2004

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:5:33 pm.
"...Where everyone's a little bit Irish, except of course for the gays, and the Italians."
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:2:08 am.
George C. Scott: "Ow...My groin!"
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, March 8th, 2004

Posted by:coldmountain.
Time:8:04 pm.
Moe, Moe, Moe!
How do you like me?
How do you like me?
Moe, Moe, Moe!
Why don't you like me?
Nobody likes me.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

Posted by:xyla82.
Time:8:30 pm.
Granpa: NONSENSE< there's lotsa things you can do on your own... hitch your pants, air whittling, make friends with a chinese man...

*Chinese man walks into the house and speaks with a clearly American accent*

Chinese Man: Mr Simpson, you weren't supposed to leave the home. I'm going to have to take you back now.

Granpa: Thank you, Ping-Pong *he bows*

Chinese Man: My name is Craig

Grandpa: Suuuuuure it is.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Posted by:xyla82.
Time:8:27 pm.
Mood: amused.
Timmy: Mr McClure, I have a crazy friend who says that eating meat is wrong. Is he crazy?
Troy: No Timmy, just ignorant. You see your friend had obviously never hear of the "food chain". Just ask this Scientician. He'll tell you that in nature one animal invariably eats another... Don't kid yourself Timmy, if a cow had the chance, it'd eat you and everyone you hold dear.
Timmy: Wow Mr McClure, I was a Grade-A Moron for ever doubting to eating meat
Troy: Yes you were Timmy, Yes you were.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, March 1st, 2004

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:8:55 pm.
Don't try to dig it out with a bone...It just makes things worse.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:Less artsy, more fartsy!
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:5:08 pm.
They say he carved it himself...from a bigger spoon!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, February 29th, 2004

Subject:I can't get enough of this quote:
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:5:45 pm.
Finally! A way of combining my love of helping people with my love of hurting people!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, February 28th, 2004

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:12:13 pm.
"Kids, let me tell you about another so-called 'wicked' guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...I forget. But the point is...I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, February 26th, 2004

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:7:06 pm.
Abortions for all!
Boo!
Alright, no abortions for anyone!
Boo!
Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
Yay!
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, February 25th, 2004

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:1:17 am.
Rev. Lovejoy: Lick it...Lick it...
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Subject:sea captain my captain
Posted by:orangebang.
Time:9:41 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
McAllister: Lard ho! 'Tis a good sign; Homer's unfastened the
top button on his pants.
Akira: Uh no, he's been walking around like that since
Thanksgiving.
McAllister: I'm surprised he doesn't just give it up and go for
sweatpants.
Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast.
McAllister: Yar! That's going to replace the whale in my
nightmares


'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine.
-- Captain McAlister
Comments: Add Your Own.

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:6:18 pm.
Okay, I'm back, posting access is open (I think), and I mean to make this the most craptacular Simpson community around :D


Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, January 1st, 2004

Posted by:strawberryzta.
Time:7:34 pm.
Homer: "Nothing burns like an effigy...hey! That's me!"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, November 7th, 2003

Posted by:xyla82.
Time:9:39 pm.
*Homer leaves the Dean's office muttering*
Homer: That dirty dean... I'll get him

*the Dean's phone rings*
Dean: Hello?

Homer (in stupid disguised voice): Hello Dean? You are a stupid head.

Dean: Homer, is that you? (looks outside and sees Homer on the payphone)

Homer: *shrieks and runs away*
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003

Subject:Stupid TV! Be more funny!
Posted by:coldmountain.
Time:11:01 pm.
TONIGHT:
SPRINGFIELD BALLET
TOMORROW:
CLOSED TO FIX GAS LEAK


Homer: Moe, get the darts--I want to play.
Moe: No, we're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun.

Homer: Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I didn't take her to the ballet.
Wigum: That's exactly how Dilinger got started.

Lisa: Don't worry, Mr. Hutz is still here.
Hutz: [jumps up, pulls out knife] Don't touch my stuff! Oh, hehehe, this isn't the YMCA.

Homer: I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry for the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub...
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, August 31st, 2003

Subject:This year, he gets it in the back.
Posted by:coldmountain.
Time:8:08 pm.
We start with letter grade meat, then process the hell out of it.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, July 27th, 2003

Posted by:shatteringtears.
Time:12:14 am.
i have a question for everyone:
in treehouse of horror VIII, theres the opening sequence where the fox censor comes out and talks about that shows rating. now, when i remember seeing it, he started cussing, but i have the episode guide thing in my hand and it has written down what all the fox censor said. am i just making this up of did the fox censor actually say f**k on the show? cause for some reason i really remember him saying that but i may be wrong. i just wated to ask everyone to see if i'm making things up of if it atually happened. sorry if it's confusing, i didn't know how to word that question. ~:)
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, July 25th, 2003

Subject:$pringfield - Or how I learned to stop worrying and love legalized gambling.
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:10:20 am.
The News On Parade Corporation presents "News On Parade Corporation
News".

So watch out, Utica: Springfield is a City On the...Grow!

Homer: Hey! There's something you don't see in a toilet everyday!

The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
Man: That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!


Burns: Thank you so much for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.
Henry: It was fun.
Smithers: We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.
Henry: Er, yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car.
No one must know I dropped them in the toilet; not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accord.

Kent: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
Barney: I haven't been able to find a job in six years.
Kent: Hmph. And what training do you have?
Barney: Five years of modern dance, six years of tap.


Kent: The economic slump began last spring when the government closed Fort Springfield, devastating the city's liquor and prostitution industries.

Lovejoy: Once something has been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
Audience: Yay!
Burns: By building a casino, I could tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town!
Audience: Yay!


Workman: Why you. Oh! Master Burns. I mean, carry on! Ah! Oh! Ow! Oh, me leg's gone gimpy. Who will provide for me little ones?
"What was I laughing at now?...Oh yes, that crippled Irishman!"

Brit: Gentlemen, I give you Brittania! Gambling with all the glitz and glamour of the British Isles. Best of all, the waitresses and showgirls are all real Brits; fresh from the streets of Sussex, they are.
Woman: Freshen your drink, Guv'ner?


Marge: In honor of legalized gambling, why not go as the state of Nevada?
Lisa: No: Nevada makes my butt look big.

Bart: By the way, your martinis suck!
Kid: Oh yeah? What are you going to do? Start your own casino in your treehouse and get all your little friends to come? I'd like to see that. Ah ha ha ha...
Bart: Hi, yeah, welcome. Have a lucky day. Mm hmm.
Kid: Well, he certainly showed me.


Marge: Legalized gambling is a bad idea. You can build a casino over my dead body. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah.

Tonight: Milhouse. Next week: An Evening with Jimbo.

Krusty: Hey, that spot on Gorbachev's head -- herpes, trust me! Anybody here have herpes? Huh? Huh?

Germs: Freemasons run the country!

Smithers: Excuse me, ma'am: don't you think you've gambled enough?
Marge: No!
Smithers: OK. We're required by law to ask every 75 hours. Get her another free drink.

Bart: Pipe down, sister. I gotta book a new act for tonight. Turns out that Liza Minnelli impersonator was really Liza Minnelli.

Lisa: There's nothing to eat for breakfast.
Homer: You gotta improvise, Lisa: cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust --
Lisa: Maybe mom just doesn't realize we missed her. We could go down to the casino and let her know...
Homer: Oh, come on, Lisa, there's no reason to...let's go see Mom.

Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the "Spruce Moose", and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idyllwild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes!
Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.
Burns: Model?


Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!

Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!

Smithers: I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.
Burns: Hmm. Very well; begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Goulet: Vera said that? Hmph.


Homer: Hello, Florida!
Lisa: I'm not a state, I'm a monster!
Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

Burns: Aw, my beloved plant. How I miss her. Bah! To hell with this. Get my razors! Draw a bath! Get these kleenex boxes off my feet.
Smithers: Certainly, sir. And, uh, the jars of urine?
Burns: Oh, we'll hang onto those. Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose. Hop in!
Smithers: But, sir...
Burns: I said, hop in.


Homer: Yer gotta redda kid forrad yarrar!
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down!
Homer: J'yer gedda ferda redderarrar.
Marge: Think before you say each word.
Homer: You broke a promise to your child.
Marge: What?
Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed -- she's such a little trooper.

Homer: No, no, that's too expensive. Just don't do it any more.

Robert Goulet: Oh, I'm sorry, kid...

Ralph: I'm Idaho!
Skinner: Yes, of course you are.


Homer: Well, that's nothing, because you have a gambling problem! And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house 'cause he was dressed like Santa Claus?
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, June 25th, 2003

Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:3:11 pm.
Skinner: Somebody put a torch to these permanent records! Quickly now!

Marge: Homer, you do remember your promise to the children?
Homer: Sure do! When you're 18, you're out the door!


Homer: Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Miss Hoover: Lisa... you're... hurting me!

Teacher: Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War II ended!
We won!
Class: Yay! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Krusty: For you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!

Krusty: Honest Injun!

Martin: ...fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret.

Marge: Lisa, watch out for Poison Ivy. Remember, "Leaves of three, let it be."
Homer: Leaves of four, eat some more!

Krusty: Hi Kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty! Hoo huh hoo heh ha heh! I'll see you in a few weeks! Until then, I turn things over to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world,
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<mr.>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

Skinner: Somebody put a torch to these permanent records! Quickly now!

<b>Marge: Homer, you do remember your promise to the children?
Homer: Sure do! When you're 18, you're out the door!</b>

Homer: Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

<b>Miss Hoover: Lisa... you're... hurting me!</b>

Teacher: Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War II ended!
We won!
Class: Yay! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

<b>Krusty: For you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!</b>

Krusty: Honest Injun!

<b>Martin: ...fat camp for Daddy's chubby little secret.</b>

Marge: Lisa, watch out for Poison Ivy. Remember, "Leaves of three, let it be."
Homer: Leaves of four, eat some more!

<b>Krusty: Hi Kids! Welcome to Kamp Krusty! Hoo huh hoo heh ha heh! I'll see you in a few weeks! Until then, I turn things over to my bestest buddy in the whole wide world, <Mr. Black>. I want you to treat <Mr. Black> with the same respect you would give me. Now here's <Mr. Black>.</b>

Mr. Black: For the past 15 years I was president of Euro-Krustyland... until it blew up.

<b>Lisa: Uh, are your sure that's safe?
Kearny: Well it ain't gettin' any safer.</b>

Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty,
By the shores of Big Snake Lake.
Though your swings are rusty,
We know they'll never break.
From your gleaming messhall,
To your hallowed baseball field,
Your spic-and-span infirmary,
Where all our wounds are healed.
Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty,
Below Mount Avalanche.
We will always love Kamp Krusty,
A registered trademark of the Krusty Corporation,
All rights reserved!

<b>Mr. Black: Gentlemen, To Evil!</b>

Barney: Yeah Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown!

<b>Bart: I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn't have a seven or an eight, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far!</b>

Bart: My chunky brothers! Gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!

<b>Homer (thoughts): Don't be the boy, don't be the boy...</b>

Bart: Krusty! This camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
Krusty: Oh My God!!
Bart: Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Krusty: Was it a nice hat?
Bart: Oh yeah.
Krusty: Oh My God!!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, June 23rd, 2003

Posted by:coldmountain.
Time:6:32 pm.
Oh boy! Buffalo testicles!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:It's my usernamesake episode :D
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:9:50 am.
Kent Brockman: Residents are advised to stay inside unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend a class 9, or Robin Williams, level of hair coverage.

Milhouse: Oh, I can't wait 'til we're teenagers; then we'll be happy.

Lisa: Well, we could play Clam Traffic Jam or The Game of County Seats. Aw, the zoning disk is warped!
Bart: Alright! Silly String! Look, you're Milhouse!
Milhouse: Who wets their bed now, Milhouse?


Homer: What's going on?! And I want a non-gay explanation!
Milhouse: Uh ... we're drunk. Really drunk.
Homer: Oh, thank God.

Hibbert: Now, son, this is a teaching hospital, which is why I equipped the seat of your cast with a viewing window.

Lisa: Principal Skinner, I thought public schools were required to have access ramps for the disabled.
Skinner: Technically, yes, but the building costs would be astronomical.
Fat Tony: Did I hear the word "astronomical"? If so, my construction outfit "Valdezzo Brothers Olive Oil" is poised to help.
Skinner: No, no, no, no. We're not building anything.
Fat Tony: How can you say that when construction has already begun?
Skinner: How did those trucks get here so fast?!
Fat Tony: In order to avoid certain legal complications, the trucks are always rolling.

Skinner: Good Lord! Do we really need all those ramps?!
Fat Tony: Who's to say? Does a peacock need all those feathers?
Skinner: Look, you're getting a little philosophical for me.
Fat Tony: I suppose so. They say it happens in the autumn years.
Skinner: Well, be that as it may--
Fat Tony: Get your hand off my car.


Skinner: This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!

Skinner: Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium! My God, the whole thing's made of breadsticks!
Fat Tony: And paint and shellac. It's all itemized in this bill.
"Two Hundred G's Thank You! Tony :)"
Skinner: $200,000?! Are you mad?!
Fat Tony: I don't get mad; I get stabby.


Moe: We could try selling liquor; I'm doing great!
Skinner: Please, sir! Put some shoes on!
Moe: What, you don't like my bags?

"The Nice Man Giveth".

Ralph: Hello, I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm going to take out your liver bones. Oops, you're dead.
Burns: I never liked that Dr. Stupid.

Jim Hope: That's right, Kent. You know, when public schools drop the ball, it's up to the private sector to fall on that fumble and run for the end zone.
Brockman: Will you be replacing the current teachers and administrators?
Jim Hope: Very much so, Kent, but they've already received and extremely generous severance package.
Skinner: Valencia? These are juice oranges!


Milhouse: My Busy Box! It's got everything! Vroom! Vroom, vroom! I'm calling Daddy!
Jim Hope: Good for you, not being bound by the recommended age.
Milhouse: What are you talking about? Oh, jeez!

Milhouse: Its eyes should be telescopes! No, periscopes! No, microscopes! Can you come back to me?

Ralph: Fun toys are fun!
Teacher: Well-said, Ralph, but we're trying to come up with a name for a toy.
Janey: Mrs. Fun?
Teacher: Not bad.
Ralph: Fun?
Teacher: Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you an F.
Ralph: The before-teacher yelled at me, too.
Teacher: No one's yelling; we're just brainstorming names. Lisa, any ideas?
Lisa: Oh, a name with fun? Fungus, Funzo, Attila the Fun.
Teacher: Lisa, are you doing math?!
Lisa: Uh, just a few Venn diagrams.
Ralph: There's more under her chair!

Bart: Lisa's in trouble. Ha! The ironing is delicious.

Homer: Ugh. Is this gonna be like one of those horror movies where we open the door and everything's normal and we think you're crazy, but then there really *is* a killer robot and the next morning you find me impaled on a weather vane? Is that what this is, Lisa?!

Marge: To be fair, not all evil robots are killers.

Krusty: And Patrick Ewing as the genie. So, have a merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, kwazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. Now a word from my god: our sponsor.

Lisa: Bart, they lied to us! Instead of giving us an education, they tricked us into designing a toy! Aren't you outraged?
Bart: No, but if you're gonna throw a spaz', I'll come with.


Lindsay: I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
Coleman: Whatchu talkin' about, Miss Naegle?
Lindsay: That is so adorable! You're rehired.
Coleman: Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' about.

Homer: So, who am I beating up?
Lisa: Nobody. You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.
Bart: Thus saving Christmas.
Homer: Now, let's see ... this'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined ... two were kind of a draw...


Coleman: Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since "Webster".

</b>Coleman: Whatchu talkin' about, Moe? Whatchu talkin' 'bout, everyone?</b>
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, June 19th, 2003

Subject:Mmmmmm...That's good Billy!
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:10:32 am.
"Mr. McClure, What does DNA stand for?"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, June 18th, 2003

Subject:Well, the kids have to learn about "Tek War" sooner or later.
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:12:23 am.
Ned: Ho, ho, this is a dilly of a pickle.
Man: Oh my God...the PTA has disbanded!
Ned: No, no! The PTA has not disbanded.
We do have an emergency plan in case of a prolonged strike right here. Let's see..."Replace teachers with super-intelligent cyborgs. Or, if cyborgs aren't invented yet, use people from the neighborhood."
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, June 15th, 2003

Subject:Oooh! Look at him go!
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:8:02 pm.
Bart: We said, "Meh!"
Lisa: M-e-h, meh.

Homer: Check it out -- I built myself a healthy apple.
Lisa: But you made it out of ham cubes.
Home: Yup, a shiny new apple.


Homer: Come on, why won't you go out with Bart?
Sherri: He's a smelly, ugly dork.
Homer: Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with?
Sherri: Tommy.
Homer: Well, duh! He's breathtaking. But Bart has inner beauty, like you'd find in a rodent. And face it, you're no prize, either. You wear braces, you dress like a kid, and you're not getting any younger.
Edna: He's right. Grab something, and don't let go.

Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way. 'Cause that's the kind of guy I am this week.

Homer: What a crazy room. There's no Albuquerque Isotopes. It's the Springfield [realizes] Oh.
Duff: No, no. There's no "oh."
Homer: You're moving the team to Albuquerque, aren't you?
Duff: No, no, we would never abandon our loyal Springfield fans. By the way, all this barging into rooms marked "Private" must have made you thirsty. Would you like a beer?
Homer: Well, okay, but you can't silence Homer Simpson. I'm a friend of the downtrodden. And I'm not going to forget what I saw here today.
Duff: Of course not. Duffman, could you bring in two bottles of smooth, untainted Duff?
Duffman: Oh, yeah.

Homer: I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying. *But not when I'm telling the truth!*

Milhouse: What a great ball game. Thanks, Weekend Dad.
Kirk: Stop calling me that.

Marge: There's still more meatloaf.
Bart: Oh, it's impossible.
Marge: ome on, come on, we all have to pitch in and eat your father's share.
Lisa: Why don't you just cook less?
Marge: I don't do things that way, Lisa.


Homer: I'm dancing away my hunger pangs, Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt. I'm kind of like Jesus, But not in a sacrilegious way.

Duffman: Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem.
Duff: People seem to be drawn to that kook. Maybe we can exploit it.
Duffman: He's too dangerous, sir. He knows about Albuquerque. Duffman is a cautious cat.
Duff: No, listen. Fans love wackos. Remember that busty woman who ran out on the field and farted at the ballplayers? I think we found our newest attraction.
Duffman: Duffman has a bad feeling about this.
Duff: Can it, Sid.
Duffman: Why don't you can it, Howard?


Marge: It's been a whole week. Why are you letting my husband die? What does it have to do with baseball?
Exec 1: Death is a part of baseball.
Exec 2: Oh, yeah, the main part.

Homer: Who are you?
Chavez: The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Caesar Romero?
Chavez: Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.
Homer: Why are you here?
Chavez: To tell you not to give up.
Homer: Oh, but I wanna.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, June 2nd, 2003

Subject:"You still haven't told us why Lenny bit you,"
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:9:00 am.
Homer: Wow, it's even more wonderful than Lisa said.
Marge: Ooh, look, a complimentary basket of hooves. ...Beef salad, beef on the cob, beef fried beef ... is there anything on the menu that isn't meat?
Waiter: Hah. Not likely!
Bart: Cool! Even this menu is made of meat! It's an entire chicken pounded flat.
Marge: How clever. The kids' menu is on the beak.

Red: Red Barclay's my name. I'm a trucker, and I've eaten steaks from coast to coast with taters and toast. Take my advice -- this one's not for greenhorns.
Homer: Greenhorn? Who's a greenhorn? What's a greenhorn?
Bart: It's an insult! Sock him, Dad! Sock everybody!
Homer: Aw, you're just jealous because you don't have the belly for it anymore, Mr. No-Belly. [pokes Red in his ample belly] Mr. Hasn't-Got-A-Belly.
Red: Well, I have just finished a whole lamb, but, uh, I reckon I can take you to school. You're on, boy.


Marge: Is it safe to eat that much food, Dr. Hibbert?
Hibbert: You know, I wouldn't have thought so before I bought twelve percent of this restaurant, but now I feel a balanced diet can include the occasional eating contest.
Marge: But what if he chokes?
Hibbert: Not to worry, we have the latest Heimlich machine.

Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it. I've become everything I've ever hated!

Homer: My hat's off to you, Red. You're a true American hero, and you did it with style and dignity, and -- hey, you're not breathing! Don't people usually breathe?
Hibbert: This man is dead. Looks to me like beef poisoning. Probably from some other restaurant.

Homer: He called me, "greenhorn." I called him, "Tony Randall." It was a thing we had.

Homer: Don't you have school?
Bart: Don't you have work?
Homer: Ah, touché.

"if you can't find it, grind it."

Homer: Wouldn't it be great to live right here at the truck stop, watching all the people come and go? You could have a different best friend every day.
Bart: I suppose.
Homer: Great! I'll write your mother and tell her the marriage is off. Then, when the paperwork is done, I'll make Gwen my wife.
Gwen: Will that be all, sweetie?
Homer: For now.

Marge: Anyone? Anyone at all?
Lisa: Oh! Milhouse is selling seeds, and he's coming this wa-- Oh, the birds got him.


Lisa: Hey! People are coming! I think they're Jehovah's Witnesses.
Marge: Yes!
Noreen: Wait, Marvin, I just had a thought. Maybe we're bothering people by trying to change their religion. What if we don't have all the answers?
Marvin: You're right, Noreen. Let's go get real jobs.

Trucker 3: Yeah, that Navitron Autodrive system's made our jobs cushier than ever.
Homer: The what now?
Trucker 4: You know, this thing. [taps box] With this baby driving your truck for you, all you gotta do is sit back and feel your ass grow.
Homer: The trucks drive themselves?
Trucker 3: Hey, hey, hey, shh. Didn't your union rep tell you about the scam we got going?


Bart: Dad, they're trying to kill us.
Homer: Oh, why do all my trips end like this?

Trucker 4: You know boys, I've been thinking. Maybe it's time we ditched the high tech gizmos and went back to driving like our daddies did.
Trucker 5: Drunk?
Trucker 4: No, no, no. Using our hands and our wits. Yeah, sure, it's hard work, and it's lonely as hell, but it has meaning and dignity. Huh? What do you say?
Trucker 3: Nah. Let's just find some other scam.
Trucker 5: Hey, how about bootlegging Beanie Babies?
Trucker 7: Sounds good to me.
Trucker 6: I like that.


Engineer: Are you crazy? I'm not driving a trainload of napalm to Springfield.
Homer: Thank you.

Wiggum: No, no, no. No dice. [draws his gun] All right, chimey, this time, the bell tolls for thee.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, May 30th, 2003

Subject:Stop endangering yourself! Stop endangering yourself!
Posted by:coldmountain.
Time:5:13 pm.
I hate how in syndication, jokes get cut out. For example this episode that aired in the 2001 season

Burns: What act of unmitagated evil shall the Republican Party plan now?
Ralph Nader: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Burns: Oh no, Nader. You've done enough for now.
Krusty: Let's get rid of PBS...


the entire Nader joke was cut out!
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, May 26th, 2003

Subject:Their hands were everywhere
Posted by:coldmountain.
Time:6:30 pm.
This watermelon won't know what hit it.

Honey, there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.

-With my diet, you can eat anything you want anytime you want.
-And you can loose weight?
-Sure, I guess. It's a free country.

Maya Angelou is black?

-Saddam Huesein? They should call him 'So damn insane'!
-Hey you're just flaming the fans of hatred
-And you thought the desert couldn't get any hotter--here's the Cincanati Bengals cheerleaders!
-Hey, I can't look at this, I got a girlfriend back home.
-This is an insult to our Muslim hosts.

I'm not father material: I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people.

I'm not going to lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy--like motherhood.

I think I'll go somewhere friendlier--like downtown Grozny!

-Hey. I heard there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up.
-Nah. For me, it's solar or nothing.

-That's him! [shooting] Homer Simpson! [shooting]
-I said I was sorry!
-Oh, OK. Class act.
-Sorry you're such jerks! [shooting] Ahh! [more shooting] Owww. That bullet went in!
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, May 21st, 2003

Subject:Sure I'm dizzy and nasous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?
Posted by:coldmountain.
Time:6:27 pm.
Moe: Hey, if you guys are getting loaded off those fumes I'm going to have to charge you.

Burns: Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun.

Grandpa: How can you have a house without a gun?
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, April 16th, 2003

Subject::-D
Posted by:coolstring.
Time:12:08 pm.
Mood: amused.
Wiggum: "If I can tranq out just one freak on stilts then I know I've done my job"
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:Ahhhhh! I'm cured....I mean Ouch!
Posted by:i_get_stabby.
Time:1:26 pm.
Posted in honour of all those articles coming out about how we'll soon be able to cure SARS because it's a new strain of the common cold.


Crowd: We need a cure! We need a cure!
Hibbert: Ho ho ho. Why, the only cure is bedrest. Anything I give you would be a placebo.
Woman: Where can we get these placebos?
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

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